All the anecdotes Kakashi never share with Naruto
by Lucanael Del Sayan
Summary: In this universe Kakashi was sorted of adopted by Minato and later Kushina after his father's suicide. So they're a lot of little things he could tell Naruto about his parents but as an traumatized/emotionally stunted ninja he never could manage to share these memories tainted with grief.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Cooking**

Minato had a phase where he tried to learn to cook (Kakashi suspect the thought process was something like " _I married Kushina (Insert hearts in his eyes here)_ _! I'm a married man (Remplace it with dopy smiley now)_ _! Wait as a married man I must provide for my family… But Kushina will kill me if I tried to pay for all the expenses… Wait maybe if I cook for her (and Kakashi)… Yes I will prove that I'm the best husband as she already is the best wife (Imagine a combo of hearts + dopy simley)_ _!_ "). It went badly for everyone tasting it. They're still a rumor among the Anbu that T&I tried to recreate the fourth Hokage's cooking to use it on prisoners (It's true).

Kushina only effort in cooking was to create a jutsu to reduce the time it take for heating instant ramen. And then making Minato teach her the Flying Thunder God Technique to go to Ichikaru as soon as she was hungry.

Kakashi learned to cook in self-defense (and also ask Minato to teach him his signature technique because it was cool).


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Pregnancy**

Minato decided to read every book on pregnancy when he learned Kushina was expecting. So he could be the best supporting husband ( _Insert many exclamation points and hearts here_ ).

One week later, the council seriously considered to ask Inoichi Yamanaka to erase the knowledge of the hundred and more things that could go wrong from his mind and banning him from the medical library. With the stress levels he had reach, they could use a " _to prevented the Hokage's death_ " clause to surpass his authority.

Kushina ( _whose temper had only worsened exponentially as the pregnancy progressed_ ) threatened to create a stasis seal which would keep the councilmen alive as she *** [ _Cf. footnote_ ] if Inoichi so much as thought to use his clan's technique near her husband. In fact she extended it to every people who so much as thought to attack/touch her husband ( _her possessiveness had also worsened_ ).

Kakashi persuaded the hospital's head and ex-apprentice of Tsunade to check daily on Kushina and her baby.

The council considered giving him another promotion for saving Konoha's Hokage's mental health. Kakashi negotiate a pay raise and another traumatism marked on his file ( _for knowing too much about the inner details of pregnancy in general and Kushina's pregnancy in particular_ ).

He was persuaded that, if his file contains more than 75% of traumatisms and other reasons why he was the worst mental head case in Konoha, the psychologist department would stop to requested appointments ( _He underestimate them, they only give up when it reached 83%; tenacity was a shinobi value_ ).

 **-OS end-**

Author's note about ***: This passage has been deleted to keep this fic's rating low, we apologize for the inconvenience.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Doodling**

 _Author's Note: Inspired by this hilarious series by LullabyKnell, Team Seven vs Paperwork on AO3. Go read it!_

 **-Text-**

Minato Namikaze was known under many names: Yondaime Hokage, Konoha's Yellow Flash, the Flying Thunder God, Number One Optimist, The One Who Tamed The Red Hot-Blooded Habanero ( _that moniker was never used near Kushina, otherwise the shinobi who used it would have died in painful and really hot flames_ )… But one moniker was only used by Konoha's shinobi: the ultimate unrepentant doodler.

As a seal master and a genius there was always a portion of his mind working some new quirks to old seals or inventing new ones. Having learned to multitask in his early days as Genin, it never impended Minato ability to function as a Chunin, Jonin and later Kage. Jiraiya had taught him to always keep a stack of paper and a brush and use the first opportunity to jolt down some quick notes for later purview.

The only side effect of this was that Minato fell compelled to write his never stopping thought process on every available piece of paper. It wouldn't have been too bad if by the time Minato became the Yondaime Hokage, this habit was so deeply ingrained in his subconscious that every piece of paper left in a 5.4 meters radius for more than 23 seconds will have at least one doodle by his hands. Even when that piece of paper was firmly hold in another shinobi hands who would later swear they never relinquished it, nor saw Minato touching it. ( _He used the Flying Thunder God Technique so much in the war, it became another subconscious habit_.)

It makes every administrative ninja shakes with dread before entering his office ( _knowing they would have to rewrite all the reports without their Hokage's doodle before properly filling it_ ). There was a free for all combat every time something need the official Hokage's signature ( _first one unconscious was dropped with the paperwork in front of Minato office doors_ ). The expression the sacrificing lamb makes once they wake up never fails to amuse the Anbu guards.

Most of those who know how bad that habit was thanked the deities that Minato never thought of expanding his doodling to other surfaces. Kushina later tell Kakashi that he tried but she put a firm stop to it ( _via chakra chains_ ) because as much as she loved Fuinjutsu, she didn't want to live in an home carved with seals ( _furniture included_ ) nor wanted to wear clothes covered in seals.

"Because you know the proverb: 'all things in moderation, except ramen'."

"The last part definitively isn't in the proverb…"

Kakashi learned so many degrees of the disbelief emotion spectrum living with Minato and Kushina ( _How could some people thought these utterly weird two could be the best Hokage's candidates?!_ ), that it never fails to makes him laugh ( _internally_ ) every time he heard someone praised them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Birds and bees**

When Kakashi turns 14, Minato-sensei tells him they need to talk about something now he was old enough. During 10 minutes, Minato open his mouth to start the conversation then closes it while steadily turning redder and redder before finally fainting ( _his mind couldn't reconcile little Kakashi whom he practically raised and telling him about sex_ ). Kakashi observes his drama queen sensei in quiet amusement then uncovered his sharingan eye to record that priceless moment.

In the second tentative, Minato manage to start talking: "so… you're a teenager… soon, you'll hit puberty… …" a longer pause while his face turned horrified and then he used his Flying Thunder God Technique to collect the longest border surveillance mission available. Kakashi smirked disturbingly at every shinobi who ask him why his sensei did that.

Finally, when Minato return to Konoha, he was ambushed by Kushina who promptly tied and gag him with her chakra chains, carried him to their apartment, sat him in face with Kakashi and started to give her version of the sex talk. To an appalled Minato, it contains many absolutely non-redacted references of their own sex life.

The reactions after that went like this:

Minato / **Kakashi**

"Why did you wait until I came back to give that talk if I wasn't allow to participate?" " **Obviously, because it's more funny that way, sensei.** "

"Did you have to mention Jiraiya-sensei's books?!" " **Can I borrow your collection, sensei?** "

"Why did you mentioned the henge experiment?!" " **Well, at least, I now know that she talked about male body knowingly. Although I'm now really regretting that my chakra reserves don't allow me to form a solid henge** …"

Kushina just laughed at them and went to bed feeling like she did a good duty.

-K&M-

Author's note: Recording happy moments with sharingan is inspired by A political perspective by MueraRashaye on Archiveofourown.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Sealing**

 **AN:** Inspired by Minato's sealing experiment while sleep-deprived incident in the excellent fic _Déjà vu no Jutsu_ by Vixen_Tail on AO3 and FFnet

-text-

Kakashi was never formally teach sealing. By the point he was kind of interested, he was also trying to regain his chakra control, shot down by having to integrate in his chakra system a body-part with another chakra and another elemental affinity.

So, what he knew about sealing tend to be less how to make a storage scroll for different volume of objects, and more if you put a kunai in a storage scroll which you put in an exploding tag ( _via a double-layered and slightly mirrored storage seal on the first scroll_ ), after 27min where nothing happened, an small explosion ( _with green and blue smoke_ ) would be followed by a tree ( _with steel leaf_ ) shooting from the ground to become the tallest tree in Konoha ( _which isn't a small exploit given the Hashirama boosted trees the hidden village is known for_ ).

The only conclusion the trio of sealing masters would come to will be that it was a good thing they experimented in the Forest of Death so an unsuspicious genin wouldn't jump in that tree and get cut by the absolutely normal looking but still steel leaf. ( _The genin who came to the training ground for their chunin exams and weren't already suspicious of everything totally deserve it clearly. A good ninja is a paranoid one._ )

The Sandaime Hokage forbade further experiments since nobody could provide an explanation for even a single thing about the result ( _The only thing they agree was that there was only 5% chance this experiment could have create a hole in space-time, which, no, it isn't reassuring, nor an acceptable risk, honestly you're supposed to be responsible adults!_ ). Also because when he ask what was the reason of the experiment in the first place, the reasons given amount to: "Why not?" "I was curious." "It look fun!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: Crushes**

Author note: My personal headcanon is bisexual Kakashi in a ninja world where the origin ( _ninja rule #X: don't sleep with a ninja from another nation except for a mission_ ) and status ( _ninja rule #X: don't forget that civilian are weird about lots of things like using the window to enter/leave, trapping your belongings, asking for your partner blood so she/he/they can bypass said trap, responding to a surprise hug with a kunai on the throat…_ ) are considered a lot more important than gender while searching for a partner.

HOWEVER, I know it's not how everyone view Kakashi so I've named, in bold, each people Kakashi had a crush on so feel free to skip to the one(s) you want to read. Or just skip this chapter entirely but be reassure, this would be the only one on that subject, so stay alert for next chapters!

Last warning before the story: as said on the title, this chapter only talk about crushes, there's no romance actually happening.

 **-text-**

Kakashi had several crushes while living with Minato and Kushina.

 **-Shikaku** -

Kakashi confess that crush to them while recovering from being poisoned on a mission. He was a little delirious at the time so it went like that: "Shikaku-san… Shikaku-san… you know… best chakra in the world… feels so calm… so cool… and that treat just barely there… so dangerous… so deadly… best chakra in the world… Shikaku-san… hmmm…" And then Kakashi began to snore.

Minato: "What the…?!"

Kushina: "Uh… I've never really think about Shikaku like that but Kakashi has a point, he is kind of sexy awesome."

Minato stood there gaping at his wife and his Almost-Son, finally uttering a faint: "What?"

 **-Obito-**

Minato's team was back in the village after a courier run. After relaying the mission to Kushina, Kakashi had start talking about his favorite subject.

"He's so annoying! Everything in him is! From the point of his stupid spiky hair to the bottom of his clumsy feet, including his bleeding heart and his stupid orange theme. Did you know he purposely buy clothing with orange, even his underwear? What kind of ninja choose such a color? And, do you know what he did just yesterday…?"

Minato was quietly thinking of imitating his sensei and taking to drinking. _Why, oh why couldn't his team get along_? _Also how does Kakashi know Obito's underwear's color_?

At that point of the familiar rant, Kushina just stop listening to Konoha's youngest chunin and, like always, try to figure how to tell him he has a crush on Obito and really he just should stop stalking and critiquing him and maybe ask him to go on a date.

 **-Anko-**

Kakashi relationship with Anko begin with rivalry because Minato/Orochimaru-sensei is the best ninja!

It became more when they unit to beat those who said Tsunade/Jiraiya were the best.

So every time they were in Konoha at the same time, they get together to update the list of people-with-poor-taste-who-deserve-to-be-beaten-until-they-saw-the-light ( _the debate on whether Minato or Orochimaru incarnate this light was momently postponed_ ).

These sessions eventually turn to let's-beat-those-people-who-insult-my-master/father.

Which then turn into I-can't-believe-this-ninja-make-such-a-stupid-mistake-why-people-are-so-stupid?! ( _Because having another child genius to commiserate surpass extolling their respective sensei's virtues_ ).

Minato later will tell Kushina and Orochimaru about this whole affair: "I'm so happy they could finally put aside their different. Now they spent almost all their time together. Don't you think they make a cute couple?"

Orochimaru reply with an eye roll: "Are you blind Minato? They're not going on dates, they're blackmailing people to spy/stalk other people and using those information to rig the betting pool.

Kushina respond with a laugh: "Or maybe it's both. They're genius after all!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: New parent panic**

A Shinobi's life often depends on knowing more than the enemy. Intelligence gathering was a skill a shinobi had to have, as well as the skill to use the information collected at the right time. Most shinobi also developed an ability to bluff and pretend they knew more than they actually did about something so their interlocutors accidently spill secrets.

Every shinobi developed a network inside and outside their country so they could complement the data provided for a mission assignment with the data they personally collected. They could also know all about their comrades and evaluates the competition to rise up the ranks or to avoid to be relegated on the Bingo Book's last pages. That network also serves to propagate false facts and rumors about themselves to hide their strengths and weakness.

Even the civilians know that fact about shinobi. After all, they even have an old proverb saying: "To bait a shinobi, better use gossip than money".

…

 _Author's stage whisper: Or, at least, that's the justification most shinobi use to be unrepentant gossips. But anyway, let's resume this story_.

…

Of course, the more a shinobi became known, the more rumors about him were circulating and the more all his doings were scrutinized. That's especially true for a Kage.

So, when Minato was heard one morning talking to Tsume Inuzuka about children, by noon all Konoha knew that the Hokage and his wife were expecting a child. Suddenly, civilians deserted the street and gathered in pubs while shinobi converged on the super-secret training field to exchange info on who heard what from whom and when.

After a moment of recalling all the bits of contradictory rumors floating on the grapevine, Konoha's shinobi agree that Kakashi Hatake was the best person to interrogate, err ask, to learn the exact truth.

…

When Kakashi came back from jutsu practice in a secret training field ( _a really secret that one, not the super-secret that everyone knew of_ ), he feels scrutinized from every angle and his paranoia rises, especially when several people ( _civilians and shinobi alike_ ) begins to accidentally cross paths with him and innocently ( _which was suspicious in itself_ ) ask him how were the Hokage and his wife. With each question, Kakashi feels more dumbfounded and then more and more worried that he miss something big while training.

The mystery was revealed when Genma decided to take the forward approach ( _although, the first half of the conversation only further confused poor Kakashi and frustrated Genma_ ):

"So were you in the know for Minato-sama and Kushina-sama?"

"Maybe." ( _As said previously, most shinobi default on bluff to maintain their reputation of super-spy_ )

"Great news, isn't it?"

"Sure."

"Although, I imagine some things will need to change to free Minato-sama's schedule."

"Hiraishin is always useful to gain time."

"True, true."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"So…"

"Hmm?"

"What do you think of it?"

"What do you think I think of it?"

"Kakashi…"

"Genma…"

"Oh, for the Sage's sake! Will you just tell me what you make of Minato-sama becoming a father!"

"…"

"Don't pretend you don't know! Everyone know he'll tell you first!"

"… What did you hear exactly?"

"Fine, fine, if you want to know, Ibiki heard from Anko who heard from Gai who heard from Ebizu who heard from Raidou that Minato-sama was asking Tsume Inuzuka advices about children's names! So, what do you know about it? How far along is the pregnancy? Do they wish for a boy, a girl? Do they disagree? Give me something so I can finally win a bet!"

"…"

"I'll own you a favor if you gave me premium facts."

"You know Gamabunta?"

"Minato-sama's summon?" ( _It was Genma turn to became confused_ )

"Gamabunta's wife is pregnant and they want to name Minato-sensei godparent."

" **WHAT!** " ( _With that simultaneous yell, Konoha's entire population step out of every nook to stare unbelievingly at Kakashi_.)

For his part, Kakashi had raise his forehead protector and used the sharingan to memorize every incredulous face.


End file.
